Marriage: The Quest for Love and Mercy (Part III)

Khitbah

When a man finds a woman of good attributes for marriage, his next step would be to propose to her or her family. In arabic this is called "khitbah". It is simply the act of asking for the womans hand in marriage. Depending on the situation, the interested man may personally approach the woman or her representatives or may ask for some of his male or female relatives to represent him in that.

If a mans proposal is accepted the woman is considered "engaged to him". This "engagement " is a legally unbinding attachment of the marriage contract.

Even though an approved khitbah is not legally binding upon the two involved, it is still a mutual pledge to marry, and breaking this without a valid reason would be a immoral act of dishonesty.

A valid reason for breaking khitbah is if the bride or bridegroom find out something they were not aware of when they first sought approval.

Examples of the Sunnah

In a hadith, a man asked the Prophet (SAW) to marry a certain woman to him, an he said:

"Go have her as your wife; I marry her to you for the portion of the Quran you have memorised."

(Bukhari, Muslim & Others)

In the case of Aisha (RA), who was a virgin, the Prophet (SAW) proposed to her father. Urwah Bin az Zubayr reported that Allah's Messenger (SAW) asked for Aisha's (RA) hand from her father Abu Bakr. Abu Bakr (RA) said: "But indeed I am your brother!" Allah's Messenger (RA)

replied:

"You are my brother in regard to Allah's Deen and His Book. But as for her, she is permissible for me (to marry)."

(Bukhari, al-Albani)

A Common Bid'ah

A widely spread practice amongst the Muslims of our time is when a man asks for a woman's hand and her family accepts, his proposal, they all recite al-Fatihah. This is a bid'ah as it has no basis in the Sunnah or in the practice of the Salaf.

Looking at the Courted Woman

Permission

When a man intends to marry a certain woman, prior to formally proposing to her, it is perissible for him to look at her and see as much of her as is normally permissible, to help him make the right decision and to be sure he likes her and would like her as his wife.

When the Ansar wished to marry, the Prophet (SAW) encouraged them to look;

"Look at her, because there is something in the eyes of the Ansar - meaning smallness."

(Muslim, an-Nasai & Others)

"Go look at her: it will then be more possible to have harmony between you."

(Ahmed, al Hakim & Others, verified authetic by al-Albani)

"When it comes into a person's heart to court a woman, it is permissible for him to look at her."

(Ibn Majah, Ahmad, verified authentic by al-Albani)

Also, when Jabir Bin Abdullah (RA) reported that he heard Allah's Messenger say:

"When one of you courts a woman, if he could see of her as much as would convince him to marry her, he should do so."

Implementing this instruction, Jabir (RA) said:

"Afterwards I wanted to marry a woman, so I used to hide to observe her, until I had seen that which led me to marry her."

Conditions

When a man looks at a woman, that must be for the purpose of marrying her, and only if she is available for him to marry her. Looking, for other reasons is a sin that must be avoided.

"When one of you courts a woman, it is permissible for him to look at her if he only looks because he seeks to marry her, even if she does not know that he is watching her."

From this and other texts, we derive the folloing conditions in looking:

1. Looking should be for the purpose of marriage, and not for the purpose of fulfilling desire or lust.

2. A man may only look at a woman who is available for him to marry, knowing that, shuld he propose, her family could possibly approve of him

3. Looking should be without touching or khulwah (private meeting)

4. looking should be limited to the body parts a woman is permitted to expose to strangers, namely her face and her hands. The difference between casual look and the look of a man seeking marriage is that the latter is allowed to stare and repeat the look.

Some scholars, based on the earlier hadith by Jabir (RA) permit the man to look at more. This is however not a favoured opinion as it could easily be abused and open a widegate to defaming or lusting after innocent women.

If a man finds his look was not satisfactory, he may send his mother, sister or another woman from his relatives to look at her more closely and tell him more about her.

Exchanging Photgraphs

1. Photographs or pictures of beings with souls are generally prohibited in Islam. They are only allowed in situations of definite maslahah (benefit) for the Muslims, and when no other permissible means can fulfil the same purpose as they do.

2. If the photgrpahs were determined to be permissible in a particular situation, they still need to fulfil the criteria such as not to show a prohibited thing, like a woman without full hijab.

3. When a courter loooks at a woman that he wishes to marry, his looking can be controlled by her or her wali so that it would not invade her privacy or exceed the permissible. This is not the case with a photograph. A man can stare at it longer, show it to those who are not supposed to see it, or keep it in his possession should the courting terminate. These are serious dangers especially for women.

For the above reasons, the exchange of photographs is not permissible except in situations where the womans mahram shows the photograph without leaving it in his possession.

Is a Woman allowed to Look??

Just as a woman is allowed to look at his intended wife, a woman is allowed to look at her intended husband, with the above conditions and noting the man's awrah (prohibited parts) extend from his navel to knees. A woman is expected to have modesty and shyness and her looking should reflect that.

Talking and correspondence

This is permissible between the man and woman who he is seriously considering for marriage, but should be done under controlled conditions: in the presence and watch of the womans wali or his representative, avoiding khulwah, touching or other prohibitions. This should be limited to what is necessary for helping the couple make their decision.

Woes of Internet Courting

The internet is one of the newest and most powerful communication tools that were ever conceived by humanity. The average person nowadays spends many hours every week on the Internet: surfing, searching, reading, writing, learning, sinning, chatting, buying, selling and so on. It is hence not surprising that many look for spouses in this wonderful land....Men and women "chat", email one another and even exchange digitised pctures.

Courting and marrying over the Internet is largely negative, as it involves many sinful or questionable practices e.g.:

1. Each individual paints himself or herself a very unreal picture that is meant to impress the other side. one describes what he or she wishes to be, not one really is. Being in a private room with a keyboard and monitor provides fat chance for pretence. Lying a d deciet are hence prevalent.

"A person who pretends having that which he does not, is like one who wears two garments of deception."

(Bukhari and Muslim)

2. A womans wali is normally responsible for investigating a prospective husbands family, friends, manners, finances,etc. With internet courting, on the other hand, a woman foresakes all of this and makes herself the ultimate judge, allowing her emotions and the courters cunning make for her one of her lifetimes more important decisions.

3. A great deal of precious time is wasted in writing polished emails and exchanging worthless chats.

"A human beings feet will not depart from before his Lord, on the Day of Resurrection, until he is questioned about 5 things: his lifetime and how he consumed it, his youth and body and how he utilised it, his wealth and how he earn it and how he spend it, and what he did in regard to what he knew."

(at-Tirmidhi, verified authentic by al-Albani)

4. Digitised pictures are often exchanged and this is largely prohibited as they can easily be permanently be stored on the computer, and electronically exchanged with other "interested" individuals.

5. In many cases the internet communication takes place between a man and a married woman (often with children). Soon the woman starts seeing her husbands mistakes well magnified and her internet chatter grows in her thoughts into a perfect hero that will surely have save her from her miserable life with her husband. many cases end in divorce, or in the woman running away from her husbands house to join the hero she's never met. Turning a woman against her husband is a great sin.

Internet courting is a dangerous practice that should be totally avided by righteous Muslims as they contain clear violations of Islam.

Marriage: The Quest for Love and Mercy (Part II)

Forbidden Marriages

Permanently prohibited marriages

Permanent prohibition can be result of blood, marraige, or foster (breastfeeding) relationships. A man is a mahram to any woman who is permanently prohibited to him:

"And do not marry women whom your fathers had married, except that what has passed. Indeed, that was a shameful and hateful act (to Allah), and an evil way."

(4:22)

"Prohibited to you (for marraige) are you mothers, daughters, sisters*, paternal aunts, maternal aunts, brothers* daughters, sisters daughters, foster mothers who breast fed you, foster sisters, wives mothers, step daughters under your custody and born of your wives with whom you have had intercourse, but if you have not had intercourse with them, the wives of your sons who are your own offspring and that you simultaneously marry two sisters except what has already passed. Indeed Allah is forgiving and merciful."

(4:23)

*(including full and half brothers and sisters)

"And (also prohibited to you are) all married women, except those (captives and slaves) that your right hand possess. This is Allahs decree upon you. And are lawful to you all (women) beyond these, provided that you seek then (in marriage) with gifts from your monies, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse. So for those whom you enjoy (in marriage) from among them, give them their due compensation (mahr) as an obligation and there is no blame upon you for what you mutually agree (to give) beyond the obligation. Indeed, Allah is all knowing and wise."

(4:24)

"Indeed Allah has prohibited (of marriages), based on breastfeeding, what He has prohibited based on birth (or blood relationships).

(Bukhari & Muslim)

"One or two suckles do not cause prohibition".

(Muslim, Abu Dawud and others)

"Check (O Women) who are your true brothers, because breast feeding (that causes brotherhood) is that which satisfies hunger."

(Bukhari, Muslim and others)

"Breast feeding does not cause prohibition unless it expands the intestines (i.e. satisfies the baby's hunger) and takes place before weaning."

(at-Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, verified authentic by al-Albani)

Aisha (RA) reported: "It was first revealed in the Quran that, 'Ten known suckles cause prohibition'. Five of these were drpped and it became, 'Five known suckles cause prohibition'. This was the final state when Allahs Messenger (SAW) passed away."

(Malik, Muslim and others)

Temporarily prohibited marriages

A man may be temporarily prohibited from marrying a woman under certain conditions:

1) Marrying more than 4 women

"Keep four of them and divorce the rest."

(at Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah and verified authentic by al-Albani)

2) Simultaneously marrying 2 sisters

"A woman may not be simultaneously married with her paternal aunt (to the same man), nor a paternal aunt with her neice, nor a neice with her maternal aunt, not a maternal aunt with her neice, not an older sisters with her younger sister, not a younger sister with her older sister."

(Abu Dawud, an-Nas'ai, verified authentic by al-Albani)

3)Simultaneously marrying Aunts and their neices

"One may not simultaneously have (as wives) a woman and her paternal aunt, nor her maternal aunt."

4) Women married to other men

Clearly expressed in the ayah of Surah An Nisa (verse 24). The same applies to a non-terminal divorce (1st 2 times) and is still in her iddah. Such a woman is still considered under her husbands charge and no one may approach her for marriage before the completion of her iddah.

5) Adulteresses

It is Prohibited to marry a woman who is known to be an adulteress or a prostitute unless she demonstratedly repents

"A fornicator does not marry but a female fornicator or polytheist; and none marries a female fornicator but a fornicator or a polytheist. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers."

(24:3)

"A whipped fornicator may not marry but one who is like himself."

(Abu Dawud, Ahmad, and al Hakim, verified authetic by al-Albani)

**(for other evidences please refer to the book)

6) Mushrik Women

A mushrik woman may not be married unless she embraces Islam.

7) Marriage during Ihram

"A person in a state of Ihram may not marry, be married, or propose to someone (for marriage)."

(Muslim and others)

8) Marrying a pregnant (war)captive woman

"One my not copulate with a pregnant woman until she delivers, not with a non-pregnant woman until she menstruates (one time)."

(Abu Dawud, al Bayhaqi and verified authentic by al-Albani)

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not irrigate someone else's plantation with his water (i.e. sperm) and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not copulate with a captive of war until she purifies her womb (by menses)."

(Abu Dawud, at-Tirmidhi and verified authetic by al-Albani)

Ibn Umar (RA) said;" When a slave girl who has had intercourse with men is given away or sold, or freed, she should purify her womb with one menses. But a virgin need not purify."

(Bukhari, al-Bayhaqi and verified authentic by al-Albani)

Prohibited marriages of Jahiliyyah

Aisha (RA) said:

During Jahiliyyah, marriage was of four different types:

1) The first was like the people's marriages today, where upon a man would ask for another mans daughter or principal. He would give her sadaq and marry her.

2) The second was a man would tell his wife after she is clean from menses, 'invite so and so and get impregnated by him'. Thus her husband would stay away from her and avoid touching her until it became clear if she was definitely pregnant from that man. Once she was definitely pregnant, her husband may have intercourse with her if he wished. They only did that seeking a noble descent for the child.

3) The third was that group of men, less than ten in total, would all fo to a woman and perform intercourse with her. If she becae pregnant, she would wait until she delivered he child. A few nights later, she would summon all of them, and none of them may refust to go with her. When they had arrived, she would say 'You know what you have done and I have given birth, so this child is yours and so and so.' This she names whomever she wishes of them, and that man nay not refuse annexing the child to him.

4) The fourth was that a large number of men would go to one woman, and she would not reject anyone who came to her. Those were the prostitutes who raised over their doors flags as signs for those who wished to go to them. And if one of them became pregnant, she would wait until she delivered, summon all the men who had intercourse wiht her, and have those who specialised in detecting likenesses determine the man whom the child resembled the most so as to append it to him and he would not have the option to refuse that.

So after Muhammed (saw) came with the Truth, he revoked all forms of marraige of Jahiliyyah except for the marriage of the people of today."

Other Prohibited marriages

Marriage of Mut'ah

This is a temporary marriage, with a specified duration when the contract is executed. At the end of the term, the two spouses leave each other without divorce and do not inherit from one another.

"Mutah has been abolished by marriage, divorce, iddah and inheritance."

(Ibn Hibban, verified hasan by al-Albani)

"O people! I had previously permitted you to have women by the way of mut'ah. But indeed. Allah has now prohibited that until the Day of Resurrection. Thus anyone who has such women shuld let them go, and do not take any of what you gave them."

(Muslim & Ibn Majah)

Marriage of Tahlil

If a ma divorces his wife 3 times, he may not take her back unless she first remarries another man (2:229). If the second husband divorces her, she may then marry the first husband. The woman must have intercourse with the second husband before she becomes permissible to the first husband (if the second husband divorces her willingly).

"She does not become permissible for the first husband until the second performs intercourse with her."

(an-Nisai, Ahmed, verified authentic by al-Albani).

"Allah curses the one who performs tahlil and the one for whom it is performed."

(an-Nisai, Ahmed, verified authentic by al-Albani).

"Shouldn't I tell you about the borrowed billy goat? It is a person who performs tahlil. May Allah curse the one who performs tahlil and the one for whom it is performed."

(Ibn Majah, al-Hakim, al-Bayhaqi, verified to be hasan by al-Albani)

A man said to Ibn Umar (RA), " Is it permissible for me to marry a woman to make her lawful for her previous husband, even though he did not ask me to do it, and I did it without his knowledge." He replied:

"No! The marriage should only be based on real interest: if you like her you keep her, and if you dislike her you divorce her. We indeed used to consider this tahlil as zina during Allahs Messengers (SAW) time. And those who do it will continue to be in a state of zina if his intention was to make her lawful to the other man, even if they stay together 20 years!"

(al-Hakim, al-Bayhaqi, at-Tabarani, verified authentic by al-Albani)

Marriage of Shighar

This is when two men inter marry each others, daughters or principals without either one taking mahr. Thus, they consider intermarriage as the due mahrs.

"Shighar is that man would marry his daughter to another man with the condition that the other man would marry him his daughter. adn they would not require mahr in between them."

(Bukhari, Muslim and others)

"No shighar is permissible in Islam"

(Muslim & others)

Marriage with the intention of divorce

Some men marry for a specific purpose, intending to divorce her as soon as that purpose is accomplished. For exaple in the west, a foreigner may marry a native woman in order to obtain residency in her country and plans to divorce her when he acheives this.

If the marriage contract sets a term for this kind of marriage, it becomes a prohibited form of mut'ah marriage. If it does not the majority o scholars consider the marriage to be valid but the man to be sinful of deception through hiding the fact from her.

Marrying Non Muslims

The Rule

Allah (SWT) prohibited marriage with mushrik males and females:

"And do not marry pagan women until they believe (in Allah alone). Indeed, a believing female slave (of Allah) is better than a pagan, even though she (the pagan) might appeal to you. And do not marry pagan men util they believe. Indeed, a believing male slave (of Allah) is better than a pagan, even though he might appeal to you. Those (mushriks) invite (you) to the Fire, whereas Allah invites to Jannah and to forgiveness, by His permission."

(2:221)

Every Non Muslim is a mushrik. This includes People of the Book (Jews and Christians) if they worship anyne besides Allah (eg: Jesus or Uzayr) or hold other wrong beliefs about Allah (SWT).

The Exception to the Rule

Allah (SWT) made an exception to this rule by permitting Muslim men to marry Jewish or Christian women with an important condition: they must be chaste, not promiscuous, and have not previously had illegitimate sexual relationships with men.

"This day all good foods have been made lawful for you; and the food of those who have been given the Scripture is lawful for you, and your food is lawful for them; and (lawful for you in marriage are) chaste believing women and chaste women from among those who were given the Scripture before you. When you have given them their due compensation, desiring by that chastity, not illicit relationship or taking secret lovers. And whoever denies the faith, his deeds have surely become worthless and he will be in the Hereafter among the losers."

(5:5)

++++++++++++++++++++++

Marriage: The Quest for Love and Mercy (Part I)

Spouse Selection

The task of selecting a spouse is crucial, in helping to attain the desired fruits of marriage in the most fulfilling way:

“Marry those among you who are single or the virtuous ones among your slaves male or female: if they are in poverty Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all and He knoweth all things”

(24:32)

Allaah (swt) says,

وَمِنْ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ خَلَقْنَا زَوْجَيْنِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ'

And We have created everything in pairs, that perhaps you may remember.'

(Qur'aan, 51:49)

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ'

'And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.'

(Qur'aan, 30:21)

وَالَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

'And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.'

(Qur'aan, 25:74)

Marriage is such an important step that our blessed Prophet (saw) spoke of marriage as being `half the religion':

'Whoever has married has completed half of his religion; therefore let him fear Allaah in the other half!'

(Bayhaqi)

Selecting a wife:

In Islam, a man is given some choice concerning marriage. Allah (SWT) says:

And if ye fear that ye will not deal fairly by the orphans, marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hands possess. Thus it is more likely that ye will not do injustice.

(4:3)

There are certain qualities one must consider however when a man is choosing whom he wants to be his life partner and the mother of his children. The most important qualities are:

Righteousness:

A vital quality in a wife is righteousness. The Prophet (SAW) urged men to seek a woman of faith and piety and indicated that a man attains happiness through marrying her.

“A woman is sought in marriage for four reasons: wealth, social status, beauty, and deen. So seek the one with deen: may you then be successful”
(Al Bukhari & Muslim)

“Let each of you keep a heart that is grateful (to Allah), a tongue that remembers and mentions (Allah, and a believing wife who would assist him in regard to the affairs of the hereafter.”
(Tirmidhi)

“A heart that is grateful (to Allah), a tongue that remembers and mentions (Allah), and a righteous wife who would assist you in the affairs of your life and religion: those are the best treasures for the people.”
(Al Bayhaqi, Tirmidhi)

Happiness or Misery:
A righteous wife is one of the main causes of happiness in this world. An evil wife on the other hand is a major cause of misery:

“There area four sources of happiness and four sources of misery. Among the sources of misery. Among the sources of happiness are:
1) A good wife who pleases you when you look at her; and when you are away, you trust her in regard to herself and your property.”
2) An easy ride that enables you to catch up with your companions.
3) A house that is spacious and of many facilities.
4) A good neighbour.
And among the sources of misery are:
1) An evil wife that viewing her dismays you, and who uses her tongue against you; and when you are away from her, you would not trust her in regard to herself or your property.
2) A stubborn ride that if you whip it would tire you, and if you leave it alone you would not be able to catch up with your companions.
3) A tight house or limited facilities.
4) An evil neighbour.”
(Al Hakim, verified hasan by al-Albani)

Good Character:

One should seek a wife who is known to be a good character and has been raised in a good moral atmosphere.

“A woman is (usually) married for one of three qualities: she is married for her wealth; she is married for her wealth; she is married for her beauty; or she is married for her religion. So take the one of religion and manners-may your right hand then be prosperous.”
(Verified authentic by al-Albani)

A woman of low moral standards (i.e. loose and promiscuous in dealing with men, dubious conduct and questionable chastity) should be avoided, even if she had other attractive qualities such as wealth and beauty.

“There are three individuals that, when they supplicate to Allah (aswj), their supplication is not answered: A man who has a woman of bad character(dayuyuth) and he does not divorce her, a man to whom another man owes money and he does not have witnesses over him, and a man who gives money to a weak minded person”.
(Verified authentic by al-Albani)

Virginity:

Virginity is not a condition for marriage but is a recommended quality – provided that one has both options and that the women he is considering are equal in other respects. Virginity then becomes a weighing factor for a number of reasons.

Jabir Bin Abdullah (RA) reported that when his father died, he left behind 9 girls that Jabir had to look after. Soon after that, Jabir married a non virgin, and when Prophet (SAW) met him he asked him “Have you married, O Jabir?” He replied “Yes”. He asked him “Is she a virgin or a non virgin?” He then said: “Shouldn’t you have considered a virgin who plays with you and you with her, and she laughs with you and you with her.” Jabir replied “Indeed my father ‘Abdullah died leaving many daughters. I did not want to add to them another young girl like themselves, so I married a grown woman to take care of them and look after them.” Allah’s Messenger (SAW) then said: “Indeed you have made a good decision. May Allah bless that tremendously for you”.
(Bukhari, Muslim and others)

Ability to bear children:

Since one of the important purposes of marriage is reproduction, it is recommended to marry a younger woman who would normally be more likely to bear many children. In turn, this is more likely to apply to virgins than non virgins.

“Marry virgins, because they have sweeter mouths (talk) and more fertile wombs, and are easier to be satisfied with little wealth.”
(Tabarani, Verified hasan by al-Albani)

A man came to Allah’s Messenger (SAW) and said “I have encountered a woman of honour and beauty, but she can not bear children. Should I marry her?” He said: “No”. After asking two more times, Allahs Messenger (SAW) said:
“Marry the woman who is living and can bear many children, because I will boast of you numbers (on the Day of Resurrection).
(Abu Dawud, An Nasai, Verified authentic by al-Albani)

Loving Attitude:

One should seek to marry a woman who is expected to have a loving and caring attitude toward her husband. This is normally possible to sense from the environment she lives in and her family’s reputation.

“The best of your women are those who are bearers of many children, loving 9to their husbands), comforting and tolerant – provided that they have taqwa of Allah”.
(Al Bayhaqi, verified authentic by al-Albani)

“Your woman who will be of the people f Jannah are those who are loving (to their husbands), bearer of many children and concerned (about their husbands).”
(Ibn Asakir, Tammam ar Razi, verified hasan by al-Albani)

Contentment:

This is an important quality to be sought in a wife. A dissatisfied wife would make her husband miserable and push him to do anything to please her.

“Seek (in marriage) virgins, because they have more fertile wombs, sweeter mouths, less slyness, and are easier to be satisfied with little wealth”
(At-Tabarani, verified authentic by al-Albani)

“Marry virgins! They have sweeter mouths, more fertile wombs, and are more satisfiable with little”
(Ibn Majah, verified to be hasan by al-Albani)

Naivety:

Naivety, simplicity, and innocence of heart are commendable qualities to be sought in a wife, and are more present with lesser experiences in the ways of life.

Beauty:

“A woman is sought in marriage for four reasons: wealth, social status, beauty, and deen. So seek the one with deen: may you then be successful”
(Al Bukhari & Muslim)

Beauty, wealth and prestige are all mentioned as secondary qualities – especially beauty. The Prophet (SAW) said:

“The best of women is that who please him (i.e. her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he orders, and does not subject her person or money to what he dislikes.”
(Ahmed, An-Nasai, Al-Hakim, verified authentic by al-Albani)

“The best of women is that who pleases you when you look at her, obeys when you order her, and safeguards you during your absence in regard to herself and your wealth.”
(At-Tabarani, verified to be authentic by al-Albani)

A woman’s appearance being “pleasing” to her husband applies first to pleasing him when he observes her righteousness and obedience to Allah. But it may also apply to pleasing him with her physical beauty. That is why it has been ordained to look at a courted woman.

Compatibility:

A man should seek a wife who is compatible with him, and a woman should seek a husband compatible with her.

“Make a (good) choice for your sperm (i.e. offspring): marry those who are compatible, and get married to them.”
(Ibn Majah, al-Hakim, verified authentic by al-Albani)

Compatibility has two major requirements: deen and character. These two are among the require qualities for a wife. Deen and character may not be compromised and are the focal point for compatibility. A man or woman who is lacking in either of this is a poor candidate and should not be considered. Other secondary compatibility factors are age, language, financial status, family status, national background etc, but none of these can be considered mandatory.

Qualities sought in a good husband:

Deen and Good character
The Prophet (SAW) instructed the guardian of women to marry them to men of good deen and character. When a man of known righteousness and good character seeks to marry a woman, he should be seriously considered.

“If one comes to you seeking marriage, and you are satisfied with his deen and character, marry him: otherwise, a fitnah (harm) and great destruction will become rampant on earth.”
(at-Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, verified hasan by al-Albani)

Wealth
Unfortunately, when looking for a husband, a woman’s family or wali first lok at his bank account, instead of his iman, taqwa and aqidah (creed).
Many Muslim women in both Islamic and western countries have been affected by the perverse ideologies of the west. They do not look for a man who possesses taqwa and character, which would guarantee or them a lasting loving relationship. Rather, they look for a man who has a strong buying power, owns a house, or possesses a higher degree of education – all at the cost of religion, morals and eventually, happiness.
This is not to say all Muslims should live in poverty, but emphasising that wealth is a minor factor and should never be compared to deen and character.

“Marry the unmarried among you and the righteous of your male and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His favors. Allah is bountiful and knowing.”
(An-Nur 24:32)

Allah gives such a generous and true promise to the righteous, there is absolutely no guarantee that he will not, in the blink of an eye, take away the wealth of a man who is non-religious and ungrateful to Him.

No Comparison
When a woman marries a man possessing din and good character, she will not lose out in any respect: if he keeps her, he will do so in a good manner; and if he releases her, he will do so in a good manner. A man of deen and good character will be a blessing for her and her children and they will all help each other learn and improve in their deen and righteousness.
A woman should strongly avoid a man who does not have these attributes, especially if he neglects her prayers, drinks alcohol, commits zina or any other major sin. Wealth and social status should never be her main criteria in deciding for or against a husband.

Once while the Prophet (SAW) was sitting with some of his companions, a man passed by them. The Prophet (SAW) asked one of the companions, “What do you think of this man?” some of them said, “This is from among the noble people. By Allah if he seeks marriage, he deserves to be married; if he intercedes, his intercession deserves to be granted.” The Prophet (SAW) did not say anything. Another man passed by them, and the Prophet (SAW) asked, “What do you think of this man?” Some of them said “This is one of the poor Muslims. It is expected that if he seeks marriage, he will not be married; and if he intercedes, his intercession is not granted; and if he speaks, no one listens to him.” Allah’s Messenger (SAW) then said: “This man is better than an earth-full of the likes of the other man.”
(Bukhari &Muslim)

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Good Reminders

SALAH
Narrated by Ibn Umar (RA): " Allah's Apostle said, Islam is based on the following five principles:
(1)to testify that none has the right to be worshipped but Allah and Muhammed is His Apostle.
(2) To perform the (compulsary congrgational) prayers dutifully and perfectly.
(3) To pay Zakat (i.e. obligatory charity).
(4) To observe fast during the month of Ramadhan
(5) To perform Hajj (i.e. Pilgramage to Mecca)
(Sahih Bukhari: Kitaab ul Imaan)



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MOTHER

A man came to the Prophet SAW and said, ‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet SAW said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?' The Prophet SAW said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?' The Prophet SAW said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?' The Prophet SAW said: Then your father. (Bukhari, Muslim).



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BACKBITING

"O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, for some suspicions are a sin. Do not spy on one another, nor backbite one another. Would one of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, you would abhor it, [so similarly, avoid backbiting]. And fear Allah. Indeed, Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful." Qur'an, [49:12]

Lovers are Made Aware

You make a hundred resolutions
to journey somewhere,
He draws you somewhere else,
He turns the horse's bridle in every direction
So that the untrained horse may know there is a rider
The clever horse is well paced
because it knows a rider is mounted upon it.
He fixed your heart on a hundred passionate desires,
dissapointed you, and then broke your heart.
Since He broke the wings of your first intention,
how do you doubt the existance of the Wing-Breaker?
Since His ordainment snapped the cord
of your contrivance,
how can you remain blind to His Command?
Your resolutions and aims now and then are fulfilled
so that through hope your heart
might form another intention
which He might once again destroy.
For if He were to keep you completely from success,
you would despair:
how would the seed of expectation be sown?
If your heart did not sow that seed,
and then encounter barrenness,
how would it recognize its submission to Divine will?
by their failures lovers are made aware of their Lord.
Lack of success is the guide to Paradise:
Pay attention to the tradition,
"Paradise is encompassed with pain"

Maulana Rumi (RA), MATHWANI III, 4456-67
("the pocket Rumi reader" edited by Kabir Helminski)
Soul Scripture